Often when I am feeling down I will browse some craft blogs and enjoy the pretty things people make … This morning though, that backfired, and I feel worse because I would love to create something like what I see, but I don’t have any real talent for it …

It does remind me that I intend to feature craft blogs I enjoy, though.  So, coming soon …

I lived with anorexia for a long time before recognizing I had an illness.  I could go two days without eating and not feel any negative effects.

Realizing the cause was the turning point for me.  I felt I needed to earn the right to eat: I didn’t deserve food just because I was hungry.  Letting myself eat was at first still a struggle, but thanks ( :p ) to the depression medications, my appetite is good and I have gained weight.

The trouble is, I lived a long time underweight and that is the body image I have of myself.  I always wanted curves instead of angles, but now that I have them, I feel fat and want the angles back.

The last few days I can feel the anorexia creeping back.  It’s easy to put off eating until I get this done.  Then when I finish this there is another task waiting and I might as well attend that before I eat.  And so it goes.

It is not uncommon to be at war with yourself over something, even on a daily basis.  Many of us struggle with some fight or other even minute to minute.  What really sucks, though, when you fight with yourself, even when you win, you also lose.

Depression is probably one of the most insidious conditions a person can face.  It is seldom a dramatic, OMGZ-I-want-to-die manifestation.  More often, especially for me, it is just a subtle, draining, grinding-away of the living part of life.

Procrastination is a huge symptom.  I’ll get to that later, when I feel better, when I have more energy, when I care, when I am not so bleh.  It’s easy to put things off when depressed, then get more depressed about how much there is waiting for one to do.  Then the feelings of being overwhelmed by it all hit.

It becomes a cycle that is almost impossible to break.  Like many people with depression, I sleep a lot, but in small doses, which leaves me with the problems caused by broken sleep: drowsiness, irritability, lack of focus, and … um … hey, look, something shiny.

[I don't really want this blog to be a layperson's account of depression ... but it is something I am struggling with so it is bound to be a topic ... I will try to mix it up though.  Promise.  When I feel better ... ;) ]

I feel like I haven’t seen the sun in ages.  This morning I stepped outside and the sunshine bathed me and warm south breezes touched my face.  It’s too early for spring but this is an early promise and a reminder that winter doesn’t last forever.

Dealing with depression is the hardest challenge, by far, I have ever faced.  But at the moment I feel like it is a challenge I can meet and conquer.  I just hope I can find a way to make this feeling last.

My computer died, and being depressed takes a lot more time and energy than one would think.

Working on fixing these things, but it is a slow process.